Since I was a little girl, it has always been important for me to express myself through written words, whether that was journaling, penning poetry, short stories, or song lyrics, or blogging as I got older; writing is how I’ve processed big emotions and life changes through the years.
It has been a little over one month since I delivered my fourth son, and considering how that is a major life-changing event, I knew that I didn’t want too much time to pass in writing out his birth story. And it’s been about six months since I sat down to write anything at all (which is wild to say as a professional writer) so I’m feeling a little rusty, and I’m also still navigating how to use this fresh, newborn-phase-sleep-deprived mom brain of mine, my friends. But sharing my birth stories has always been super healing for me (even when the experience was beautiful and smooth), and I’m ready to share Mr. Jonathan Sinclair’s.
So as I sit here at my desk, crisscross apple sauce with this lil’ peanut on my lap, in all of my mom-brain glory, I’m going to try my best to write about God’s great grace in Jonathan’s story- from pregnancy to his providentially-protected and guided arrival earthside. But before I begin with that story, I wanted to rewind all the way back to May 2021 first.
When our third son, Jude (our colicky, 2020 baby), was less than a year old, our family made a huge life-changing decision- we moved over 1,000 miles away from all we had ever known in the Midwest to start a new chapter in the Sunshine State. A question that had been on my heart from the moment we moved was: “Are we done having children?” Knowing that I already held the “fun” AMA (advanced maternal age) title, I was unsure if having another child was the right decision or not. It’s sad how the medical community has intimidated and even scared a lot of women with this label (more on that later).
When would be a good time to start trying? Would my body be able to handle it over the age of 35?
Jude was a very attached and demanding child (and still is). I was already so so tired from all of the sleep regressions, and we were not even into the teething phase and mega developmental leaps. The thought of another child seemed so overwhelming. As time went on, and we began to find community at our new church, people began asking us if we were going to have more children. Although I was uncertain of the answer, I began responding: “Ya know, I am not sure, but I’ve reached a point where I am learning to live with my hands open for whatever the Lord has for our family.” That was my mindset and response for probably a year, as Paul and I continued to talk about the future of our family. The Lord was truly sanctifying me in motherhood, and I was ready for whatever difficult circumstances might come with another pregnancy, postpartum, hormonal shifts, and raising four children all while in a new state away from all of our family.
And in August 2022, we found out that I was pregnant at about 3.5 weeks along. We picked out a girl’s name first (we had 3 boys…this next one HAD TO be a girl, right?)- Charity Joy…her nickname would be “baby Cherry.” I was so excited that I even purchased a little cherry outfit I found at Target shortly after the positive pregnancy test. Then while grocery shopping at Aldi, I found a little play mat on clearance that I tossed into the shopping cart. We were going to be a family of six!
A week after we found out, I spilled the beans to one of my closest girlfriends at a playdate. Her reaction was something I will never forget…just pure excitement and joy, tackling me with a giant hug and celebrating with me. The Lord, in His kindness, gives us sweet friends to rejoice and mourn with us, and the very next week, our rejoicing would turn into mourning as I began miscarrying this precious babe the morning of Jude’s second birthday. This same friend would be the first person I told as it was happening (Paul was out of town on a hunting trip).
The next several months would be some of the lowest and darkest that I have walked through as I emotionally healed from the miscarriage and tried to come to terms that Paul no longer wanted any more children- we were no longer on the same page. I was preparing myself for the child-bearing chapter in my life to come to a close, all while praying that the Lord would change my husband’s heart to desire more children with me. And clearly- praise God- the Lord was not closing the child-bearing chapter just yet.
In May 2023, a week before Mother’s Day and the same month our sweet babe was supposed to be born, we found out that I was pregnant again.
We were going to have another rainbow baby, but it was going to still rain for a while over the next 9 months as the pregnancy would experience some mini storms…